When something has changed, but you cannot quite explain what
The moments when nobody else sees us are often the moments when we finally admit what we have been feeling.
Perhaps it is early morning.
The house is quiet. Everyone else is asleep, but you are awake again.
You check the time.
3:47am.
Or maybe 4:12am.
You know exactly how little sleep you had and how much time is left before the alarm goes off.
Your body feels too warm. Your mind has already started running through the day ahead.
How will you get everything done?
How will you have the patience you need?
How will you manage when you already feel exhausted before the day has even begun?
You tell yourself it is probably just a bad night's sleep.
Just the heat.
Just another busy week.
But you know this has been happening more often.
And the hardest part is not only feeling tired.
It is not understanding why. You used to be a great sleeper. But now?
You used to cope.
You used to have the energy to manage the demands of life.
But lately, something feels different.
You just don't feel like yourself anymore.
From the outside, life looks good.
You have built a life that, in many ways, you are grateful for.
A home.
A career.
Family.
Friends.
People who love and depend on you.
Summer arrives with its promise of brighter days.
The garden is full of colour.
The diary fills with plans.
There are holidays to look forward to, gatherings with friends, family occasions and moments that should feel enjoyable.
And yet...
Somewhere inside, you feel tired.
Not just physically tired. It's more than that.
The kind that makes everyday things feel harder than they used to.
You still show up.
You organise the holiday.
Everyone else's clothes are organised.
Snacks are packed.
Passports checked.
Sun cream remembered.
Dogs sorted.
Plants watered.
You remember the details that make everything run smoothly.
You smile.
You make plans.
You join in.
The barbecue is a success.
The holiday photos look great.
Everyone says how lovely it is to have this time together.
But quietly, you wonder:
When did I stop feeling part of my own life?
You still show up, for everyone. But...
When did I stop feeling part of my own life?
Many women reach this stage of life and find themselves struggling to explain what they feel.
They are not falling apart.
They are still capable.
Still dependable.
Still achieving.
Which can make it even harder to acknowledge that something has changed.
Because when everyone sees the woman who keeps everything going, who notices the woman who is quietly running on empty?
The hardest question is often not:
"Why am I struggling?"
It is:
"Why am I struggling when my life looks so good?"
And that question can bring its own burden.
Guilt.
Confusion.
Even shame.
The feeling that you should simply be more grateful, more resilient, more able to cope.
But perhaps the first step is not asking what is wrong with you.
Perhaps it is becoming curious.
What has changed?
What is my body trying to communicate?
What might I understand if I stopped dismissing what I am feeling?
Sometimes the first step towards feeling more like yourself again is simply recognising that something has changed.
Giving yourself permission to pause.
To listen.
To ask the questions you may have been too busy to ask.
Because before we can rediscover our health...
we often need to rediscover ourselves.
